So I am alive and well, actually doing quite well and recovering from my severe exhaustion I suffered a week ago. It all sort of hit me on a physical and emotional level with everything going on. But me, personally I am doing great now and ready to be a part of the living again, I have been so consumed with my dying sister there is little laughter and love and happiness in my soul lately and I appreciate everyone’s patience with me.

Bad news first, my sister has been hospitalized unable to get out of bed now since October 22nd of 2014. She is now in a wonderful Group Home and being taken care of by an equally wonderful Hospice center who is taking care of all her medical needs. I never knew finding a good place for a loved one could be so difficult and so expensive. Thank god my schedule is flexible and I make good money, how do other people do it? My Mother was ill but even with my meager earnings back in the day she was much easier to care for. My sister is a 24/7 job. My sister Judi visits her daily after working a long day and the only break she gets is when my sister’s ex visits her which he does on Sundays and Tuesdays and she gets a break of course when I am in town. I’m afraid I’m going to lose two sisters if this keeps up.

Great news next, all is going well in my personal life. My dogs are great, my husband fabulous, my business flowing along splendidly and things are all coming together quite nicely. I just need some time to take care of myself which of course I find difficult to do. I plan on going out to Vegas this coming week, sadly it might be my last time with Cheryl because of her declining health, but I will be able to spend some much needed time with my niece’s son. He is going to be 4 this July and I haven’t been able to be there for him or for my niece Amanda these past few years. It has all been about Cheryl and I need to start focusing on the living and my future with my family. We are at the end of the day, all we have. So I am going to repair the relationship I have with myself and start taking care of me and extending out a helping hand to my lovely niece and her adorable son.

As far as what is going on sexy wise in my life, well, I have been doing some shoots for my site and keeping that active. We have been doing some amateur travel stuff along with a few 4K scenes and I plan on doing some more 4K stuff this month. I have a long overdue 1000th scene to film and I got a wonderful offer from a secret person to participate in it with me. That really made me happy. She happens to not only be a past lover, but a friend! A great friend who I never get to spend any time with. So I better take her up on her offer and fast!

I haven’t blogged in so long and I am such a bad bad girl. Well here are some photos from my recent website entries. I may not be the best “blogger” but I am a very good web girl and I never fail at updating my site every week with new content and I have been doing it for almost 15 years now.

Sounds like a theme for a Born Again, but no. I am just trying to find my True Self’s way in this turbulent world I have found myself in. I have been gone 4 out of 7 days each week in October and the first week of November taking care of my sister. I helped her with her full cranial radiation and round 2 of her chemo treatments when on Tuesday October 14th shortly after I arrived in Vegas to take care of her she fell to the floor. I lifted her up and checked on her every hour on the hour until in the morning after calling her oncologist we decided to take her into the emergency room. 18 days later and numerous tests including a spinal tap and it has been determined that my sister has a brain infection. She is being treated with IV antibiotics and in a day or so we should be finally moving her to a rehab facility within the hospital in order to get her up and walking which she hasn’t done since that fateful day.

Also, we are also losing a cherished member of our team who is moving on and my husband has yet to find a replacement, instead, the talented and passionate man of mine is going to take on the task as also being our main editor of our movies. He truly is a Renaissance man and can do it all, I just wonder if working 7 days a week is a healthy choice for him but he is stubborn and determined and smart so I know he knows what is best for him. His choices have always been wise in the past.

With all this going on and taking on the task as my sister’s Power of Attorney and taking on not only her medical needs but her financial needs and her insurance issues and trying to assist Ryan in any way that I can I have also brought my sister’s dog home. Oh yeah, I also did 2 KM shoots yesterday and today on Sunday I am preparing for one teenfidelity shoot this week and 2 pornfidelity shoots and my accountant is revising our last 2 year’s taxes this week along with my assistance. Yep, and a dog too? Am I crazy? That’s OK, I have found that I have abilities to juggle many things at one time and it hasn’t put me in the asylum yet. I have faith that this is all going to be OK.

That brings me to the meditation. Thank you universe for providing me Deepak Chopra whom I have learned from since the early 90’s to come back into my life again by way of free daily meditations online. This could not have presented itself to me at a better time. I have found my emotional and spiritual salvation at a time when I should virtually be freaking out.

So to find one’s peace and way through the harshest times is so transforming. I have so much to be grateful for and to work with my husband yesterday was so fulfilling. We came home and made dinner and we just couldn’t have been more attracted to each other if we tried. After 15 years we acted like we had just started dating. I couldn’t have asked for a better “welcome home” than that!

I did come home last week for a few days and attended a wedding on Halloween. It was a full costume attendance and Ryan and I were happy to adorn our Halloween best. We also took a family photo before leaving as well as stayed at a hotel nearby the reception and shot a video. Somehow we always fit in a bit of work in all our play.

No matter what is going on or how busy I get I never fail to give the members of my site a weekly update that I try to put all my heart and soul into because I have the best members in the world and I would hate to let them down. Here are some samples of some of the updates since I last checked in:

I will hopefully be home for a few days this week and I appreciate everyone’s well wishes regarding my sister. I’ll check in next Sunday!

Well, at least not at THIS moment. Fuck I have been in the WORST mood lately. Ever since I got the call from my indiscernible sister 2 weeks ago this Tuesday that I received while she was having her seizure and she could barely speak and it scared the shit out of me, I have been so miserable. I drove out to pick her up from the hospital and I also picked up all her new MRI’s and CT scans to compare them with the PET scans done earlier in April and yep, just what I didn’t want to be true, seems the cancer has spread to her brain. Fuck fuck fuck. She has been to a new neurologist who confirmed our biggest fears and with the combine group efforts of her OBGYN oncologist and her new medical oncologist that I am taking her to this Friday, we will determine wether she is to under go radiation therapy along with a new round of chemo or just radiation. Bizzare news is that she believed my happy positive bullshit and her attitude is fantastic! She even went back to work and seems to be filled with new ambition and vigor at continuing the fight. I am so thrilled about that. I was falling apart inside but as usual I put up my tough as nails asshole motivating exterior and it paid off. I am so proud of her.

Meanwhile I’ve been a mess inside. Thank you to all of you that have sent the kindest emails and messages. I really do appreciate it and it helped me from literally not offing myself this past week. OK, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but I have also, embarassing as it is to admit to the world, been feeling sorry for myself because I’m turning 47 on Tuesday. I know, how superficial and insignificant considering what my poor sister is going through trying to fight for her life but I have been a bit pity party-ish. I’m not even vain but getting older bums me out a little bit. Even when I was young I didn’t like to celebrate my birthday so it isn’t just an age thing, I just really don’t like the attention. As ironic as that sounds with me being an adult performer, it is true. Poor Ryan has to always put up with me being negative about my birthday and he is the kindest most romantic and thoughtful man and I have a way just squashing his efforts. I do love his ever positive attitude that “someday” I’ll enjoy celebrating my birthday.

To turn things around I shot 2 videos for my site yesterday and I approached the day with a positive outlook and I had one of the best production working days that I have had in months. I did 2 scenes and did several Polaroids for the bra and panty sets that I’ve sold recently.

I had fun, I felt good, I felt healthy and alive and things are really turning around for me in so many areas I have little to no room to be sad about anything. Even my sister’s condition isn’t dire and I’m not going to shed another tear until I have proof that her treatments aren’t working. So there! I may even celebrate my birthday, OK, maybe that’s going a bit too far. Maybe a movie and dinner with Ryan, we’ll see. I usually go to Mammoth Lakes for my birthday with the dogs and Ryan so it isn’t just about “me” but more so a family vacation for all to enjoy, but with all the medical hullabaloo going on and also I’m in the middle of selling a property rental in Texas that is problematic, I postponed my trip.

So with all that said, this should be an eventful week. Monday I should be closing on the Texas house, my birthday is on Tuesday, we have 2 shoots scheduled this week for pornfidelity.com and teenfidelity.com, I am driving out to Vegas to take my sister to the doctor on Friday, and I am having a big company pool and barbecue party on Sunday. Madness as usual here at Kelly Madison Media, hey, I wouldn’t have it any other way : )