On a much happier and life inspiring note, my dear friend Kristy published her first edition of her magazine, LEVEL ONE which came out a few weeks ago in Bend, Oregon. I am honored to be a contributing writer. Kristy is an author, blogger, public speaker and radio show host. Her blog, “The Top Ten Rules to Marriage” went viral in 2013, which subsequently landed her very first book deal, and a radio show, which reaches from San Francisco to Dallas, Texas every Thursday evening. She has roughly 100,000 collective social media followers and is one of the most successful relationship bloggers on the web with over 5 million readers in the past 3 years. She is also the creator of Echo Smedia, a social media networking and consulting firm in Bend and has taken her writing skills to the magazine publishing world. She has already begun efforts to produce her magazine around the country. Not to be typecast, but I am a writer for the her sex and relationships section.
I was so happy when she asked me. So the first month is out and so far she tells me I’ve been getting good reviews. IF you care to read my “advice”, here it is:
I always find it an honor and quite frankly, it takes me aback when someone asks me for my advice. Even after 15 years in the “Sex Industry” I still don’t consider myself an expert, well experienced maybe, I’ll give myself that, but I suppose I do have an insight from my own dealings with my husband that I can share with others in case, in some crazy way, my limited knowledge may help them.
So let’s get sexting, I mean started, I mean writing! I was asked a question by a fan who admitted she hasn’t had sex with her husband in over 5 years and to paraphrase, feels that it would now be awkward and seeks advice on how to get their sex life back on track. She wants knowledge on how to make him want her again.
To tackle this is to approach the situation on a much deeper, personal level I have only one question:
1. Are you attracted to you?
Sounds strange to ask it but I feel all sexuality from how you feel to how you come off to others is all about yourself and that private relationship you have with the most important person in your life – yourself. When I “feel fat” or unattractive or tired or lazy the last thing on my mind is “ooh, I want to fuck”. Now let me address the “feel fat” comment. That has nothing to do with being some fairy tale perfect size. That is an over-used term used by skinny people to define their lack of self worth. So I know a lot of truly fat people that love their body and get way more action then I ever did. I’ll continue.
So are you attracted to you? Do you put on your clothes or walk by a mirror and go, “damn I’d hit that”? If you can’t answer that with a simple yes, then it is time to start working on your own self worth and your own sexual relationship with you before hopping into bed with anyone, especially your husband. Other people aren’t supposed to make you feel sexy, you feel sexy and then that sexual energy exudes from within. When that happens, you have to swat ‘em off like flies. So let’s work on getting sexy.
2. Be comfortable in your own skin.
Let’s start with how to feel sexy again naked. I for one can’t ignore my body and not take care of it and then demand of it to work properly in bed. Again, regardless of size, exercising the body really does stabilize the hormones needed for proper sexual arousal and just being in touch with your physical self enables you to connect with another person’s physical self. Do some stretching, take a walk, just get the blood flowing and the hormones working properly. If you are already an avid exerciser, that too could be a detriment to your libido. Yes, actually over exercising can cause your hormones to be out of whack and turn off your sexual desires. A lot of runners experience this so find your balance. And no one thing works for all people. Listen to your body and know what you are capable of. Don’t set your self up for failure and tell yourself that you are going to go to the gym for an hour a day every week if you haven’t worked out in a few years. You will only hate yourself more. And I don’t know anyone that hate fucks themselves.
3. Look the part.
Wear clothes that make you feel sexy. Now if you have gotten into a bad habit of comfort only, STOP IT. You can be sexy and comfortable but just putting that little extra effort into how you look each day, especially around your mate, makes you feel sexier. Grooming is also important, make yourself ready for sex. Shaving, bathing, grooming, it all sets the mood in your subconscious that “hey baby, I’m ready anytime you are”.
4. Get in touch with what turns you on.
Read a sexy novel, watch a sexy movie. Get your mind and soul ready for sex. What you focus on, you create. A great friend taught me that : ) so let’s focus on what you are thinking about. DO NOT approach the situation that he isn’t attracted to you. If you were to be really honest, can you answer my first question yes? So don’t come from this position of less than. Instead, tackle it as “I am responsible for how I feel sexually and for what my sex life has become”. Feeling victimized just prolongs the agony, trust me, I know. I have tried to blame it on my husband in the past and it got me nowhere. I was the one guilty of sending off bad vibes because I wasn’t attracted to myself. So get attracted to yourself. Masturbate, get yourself off, dress a little sexier, walk a little taller, be approachable. And if you have the balls for it, ask for it. Yes, ask your partner for sex. Or better yet, offer a hand job. No real fear of rejection there, most men will take a hand job offer readily. Be ready with some lubricant and just tell him you want to try out something you read on an online magazine. Show him you are ready for a sexual relationship again and consider the hand job a peace offering, a willingness to start that part of your relationship up again, but don’t do this until you are centered with yourself.
If you work on making yourself sexy, in your mind, body and soul then what you will create is a happy person who is ready to share their self with another. That is what is really important. If your husband doesn’t respond to the new and improved sexual you and you are truly honest with yourself that it isn’t coming from your own insecurities then it is time to seek some outside professional help. But do your homework first.